Faustian Album of the week 666

Morte Macabre
Symphonic Holocaust


John: There’s more than one way to skin a cat!

Jim: Well John, that’s bloody interesting but what has it got to do with planning permission?

John: No, it’s a saying. You know, ‘there’s more than one way to skin a cat’

Jim: I know it is a saying, but we’re not skinning bloody cats, we’re trying to secure planning permission.

John: Oh Christ, I know. I’m not talking about skinning cats either…

Jim: (interrupting) Why the hell did you bring it up then?

John: It’s like a proverb; it’s a saying with a meaning.

Jim: Yeah right, if you want to skin a cat there’s more than one way to go about it.

John: No, that’s not it.

Jim: Oh, so there is only one way to skin a cat.

John: No, I’m not saying that. I’m not saying anything about skinning cats.

Jim: Yes you did! Are you trying to say I’m bloody deaf? You said, and I quote, ‘There’s more than one way to skin a cat’. ‘SKIN A CAT’!! Not a dog or a pear. You didn’t say there’s more than one way to cook a potato or drive to Devon.

John: Yeah I know… but then I’d be saying the same thing if I’d said there’s more than one way to cook a potato.

Jim: (getting quite heated) Right, that’s it. You’re going mental. I mean, how can skinning cats and cooking potatoes and getting bloody planning permission be the same thing? Seriously John, are you taking the piss?

John: (defensively) No, no; look it’s a saying, that’s all. It’s like metaphorical… saying one thing which means something else.

Jim: (in disbelief) Now I know you’re taking the piss. So you’re honestly saying you said one thing about cats, which incidentally has nothing to do with what we’re talking about, and you actually meant something else. (Looking away and pointing at John) You’re mental.

John: No, no, no. Just stop a minute and listen. You’re getting me all wrong. ‘There’s more than one way to skin a cat’ is just a saying with a meaning. It’s a way of saying there are several ways to do something; in this case several ways of getting planning permission.

Jim: Come on, why would anyone talk about skinning cats when they could simply say ‘there are several ways to do something’?

Jim becomes immediately distracted by his own thoughts

John: You must have heard of various sayings. There are loads scattered through our language. Too many cooks spoil the broth; he’s got a fox behind his ear, Cut your coat to suit your cloth; don’t change horses in midstream; there are endless examples.

Jim: (still not really paying attention) You know, I don’t even think there is more than one way to skin a cat. I mean I’m no expert but think about it. There’s the traditional way… just off the top of my head I guess you would have to cut the length of the body from below the head to the pubic bone and then carefully tease the skin away from the underlying muscle. You would then have to do the head and tail separately I presume. For the life of me, I can’t think of any other way to do it! I suppose you could try an acid or even burning, but this would seriously damage the rest of the cat’s body and so defeat the object of skinning. Hmm, it’s a tricky one John.

John: Yes, but you’re still not listening. There’s more than one way to skin a cat is an old saying with a number of variants. Charles Kingsley used one old British form in Westward Ho! in 1855. He said “there are more ways of killing a cat than choking it with cream”.

Jim: Now that makes a lot more sense. Why, I can imagine endless ways of killing cats other than choking it with cream. We could start with variables on the substance to choke the cat with; yoghurt, custard, etc. Then we can move onto ways of killing a cat other than choking; burying it in cat nip for example!

John: You’re weird

Jim: Fuck off am I. You’re the one obsessed with skinning cats

An old man in a loin cloth enters and abruptly interjects

Old Man: Well lads, I think you’re find you’re both barking up the wrong tree. What you’re really talking about is a type of gymnastic exercise, involving passing the feet and legs between the arms while hanging by the hands from a horizontal bar!!

Jim and John: Huh??????????????????????????????????????????